📍Redtree Coffee, Cincinnati OH
Note: Story-seed credit for this one goes to Dean. Enjoy.
Anyway I think I’m done crying now.
Oh yes please sure.
I’ll haaaaave… the cabernet.
Or the sauv-noir.
The triangle whateverthefuckone—
The Justin.
Fill it uhhhhhp.
What was I saying?
Just that it’s nice that you stayed.
I know it’s your job to stay for the whole cocktail hour and reception. That’s what we paid you for because we didn’t want to come off as Cheapy McCheapskate and only do an open bar for just like a portion of the reception or something tacky like that.
But still.
You stayed when everyone else effed right off.
Just you and I guess some of our catering team over there who are packing up— HEY!
HEYYY!
I STILL HAVE YOU ASSHOLES FOR ANOTHER HOUR!!
OR YOU CAN LEAVE ACTUALLY I DON’T EVEN CARE BUT BRING ME THE MASHED POTATOES.
Sorry.
That was loud.
I’m sort of drunk not that you can blaaaaame me.
That’s why I touched your face and didn’t mean to touch your face and I’ll stop touching your face but there’s just something about your eyes and the way you seem to inexplicably glow around the edges of your being.
Almost there.
Keep going.
A little more.
A liiiiitle more.
Thank you— shit!
Why’d you do that??
What do you mean I’m not supposed to drink it yet?
Dammit now there’s a stain on my veil. Right there.
No it’s fine.
It’s not your fault none of this was your fault even though actually all of it seemed to somehow be your fault? I can’t explain it… it’s…
You just have this effect on people.
Yeah you do.
Like with Dani.
You remember Dani?
She’s the one with the brace on her leg in the wheelchair?
My Maid of Honor.
The first person to Irish goodbye my wedding, to eff right off when I needed her. It really hurt. Especially since I flew all the way to Poh-dunk Nowheresville for her barn-ass wedding.
Yeah okay. Don’t make me feel bad. Obviously she has a hard time flying with her wheelchair and messed up leg or whatever. But the other thing about that is I was always really suspicious about whether or not she was actually full of it paralysis-wise. That was maybe the only good thing about today. Now I know for sure that she’s actually full of it.
You saw it right?
Yeah it was right after she came up and got another French 75 from you and… what, did she have a bug on her face or something?
It’s just I remember you sort of smacked her on the forehead or something.
Whatever.
It just seemed like you two had a little moment.
But yeah after that she stood up out of her wheelchair and showed the world that she’s a big fake faker. At first it was nice to know that she was definitely full of it and that our whole childhood spent pandering to her needs was super unnecessary but then her parents got really dramatic about it. They went down on their knees and started clasping their hands together and sobbing.
It was really uncomfortable.
Let he who is… what did you say?
Let he who is without sin… cast the first stone?
Okay I don’t know that one. Is that like the riddle thing where the Spanx says that humans are on two legs in the afternoon and have three legs with a cane at some point?
No?
Okay.
Yeah I guess don’t throw stones at people fair.
Oh and another thing and here’s where I hate to point fingers at you but I think that you or I guess it could have been someone on your waitstaff did kinda screw up.
My parents definitely don’t drink.
Like not even soda.
They’re total health nuts probably because they watched how Dani’s parents’ crap genes totally ruined Dani’s life and so maybe if they ate enough raw kale I’d be born fine and my legs would be fine.
But yeah all through the cocktail hour someone, and by someone I mean you, you kept pouring booze into their water glasses. But the really weird part was that after they saw Dani stand for two seconds and her parents shaking their hands on the ground my mom and dad just started throwing it back. And it’s not even like the booze in their water was like a vodka soda or anything that could be easily mistaken as water.
It was wine.
Like red wine.
Honestly though at first I was like good for them because they never let loose and I wanted everyone them especially to have a good time on my special day because even thought it’s mostly about me it’s also somewhat about them. But they weren’t even really having a good time.
They were crying too.
Just like Dani and her parents.
But also they were all sort of smiling at the same time.
Very horror movie freak show of them.
And for some reason they all kept looking at you!! I’m telling you, you just have that sort of effect on people. Like Dani was definitely looking at you like she was in love or something.
Oh there they are yesssss!
Thank THE LORD they smell so good I’m sooo hungryyy.
What?
I didn’t say your name.
Not unless your name is ‘mashed potatoes.’
Ugh they didn’t even leave the garlic butter and why are they running away like what are they like afraid of you or something?
HE’S A REALLY NICE NOT SCARY GUY HE’S—
—Um.
What are you doing?
Can I have those back please?
You think I should fast?
I’m sorry but no.
I’ve done OMAD and 18:6 and all of that stuff before and it never really worked for me besides making Steven and I almost break up and also today is SUPPOSED TO BE MY WEDDING DAY AND—
I…
I…
…
I’m sorry.
Can I have a napkin?
Thanks I’m sorry I thought I was done with this…
It’s running all over my face isn’t it?
People are supposed to cry at weddings but not like this.
It’s just.
Steeeeeve.
What the hell I thought he was supposed to be my forever. But he’s off wherever the hell with the rest of them.
Oh.
Does that offend you?
I always thought ‘hell’ was like the mildest of cuss words like a step up from crap or something.
But anyway with Steve.
I thought that even with Dani and her family being super attention seeking that ultimately everything was going to be fine with the wedding, obviously that Steve and I were still going to get married because that had nothing to do with Dani getting off her ass.
But then there was something really…
You don’t think the catering team can hear us from over here do you?
…Well they done messed up.
Somehow they forgot like half our wedding guests opted for salmon. So they literally only had enough salmon for like two people. Very not okay. We invited at least six Bay Area pescatarians that I can think of off the top of my head and that’s without even trying. I’m sure if I tried I could think of at least eight. But yeah so sixty people at least were waiting on salmon. And Steve the guy who was supposed to be my husband now is such a problem solver. So even though it was supposed to be our day to not have to solve problems he was getting in to it with the catering team and probably using words you’d like even less than ‘hell.’
‘God’?
That’s not even… But okay sure yeah he probably said that as well as fuck.
But yeah so Steve was shouting about the salmon and then it turned out that actually somehow they had enough salmon.
Woop-dee-doo.
Like who actually cares.
I mean I cared obviously because I wanted my guests to be comfortable and happy and overall impressed like if my wedding was on that show Four Weddings I’d want it to get a ten or at least an 8.5 because those conniving bitches never give you a ten. And okay maybe I’m downplaying the weirdness a little bit because it was a lot of fish. Like they just started bringing everyone the fish even the people who didn’t order the fish because they had so much of it. They also seemed to have a lot of rolls but that’s whatever.
You want me to put my veil back on?
Sure okay if you wanna see how it looks I guess.
Okay I’ll put it on in just a sec but also look at this cocktail napkin. Am I making this up or does my mascara stain look kind of like a face? Like… I don’t know maybe a young woman of childbearing age? But from an older time where women wore like bonnets or shrouds or whatever they’re called?
Yeah.
There’s a sort of circle over her head too, huh?
Weird.
Alright.
Alright.
I’ll put on the veil since you asked sooo nicely.
Over my face?
So old fashioned, do people even still do that—
Aww I can’t even have my wine still?
So bossy.
Rawr.
But yeah so Steve started holding hands in a circle with some of the catering team. That’s fine because Steve is a bit of a yogi so maybe he wanted to meditate or something. But then I noticed they kept looking over at you because I’m telling you that you have some kind of effect on people and maybe they thought it was related to the fish?
Yeah okay I’ve heard that one.
But love? They aren’t even my actual neighbors.
Umm did you just flick water in my face?
You’re lucky you’re cute.
Confess?
Like a sort of therapy thing?
I guess if you think it’ll make me feel better I’ll try anything because I definitely don’t feel good.
Okay.
If I confess then I get to eat?
…
I’m not like a BDSM girly. You know that right?
Or but actually why is you saying that hot for some reason?? Yikes am I actually in to that a little bit?
Okay so..?
Bless me father—
Daddyyyyy.
Okay.
Okay.
I’m being serious.
For I have sinned.
Okay… confession. Confession.
I confess that… I was really pissed off at that trumpet player.
You remember that? It was like right after the fish thing. There was some random asshole with a trumpet! It was weird though because I was looking around and couldn’t even find where the heck he was. I guess you could say that it was the most beautiful sound to ever grace the earth but also it was sooo loud that I had to cover my ears. It sort of sounded like it was coming from nowhere and everywhere.
And then everyone was staring at the sky.
Okay that part was actually kind of nice I have to say because if you remember it was super overcast and cloudy and rained a little this morning yeah? But then the clouds went away for a moment and the sun came out. Felt really nice on my skin like it would heal all of my ills but then I remembered my makeup artist only used SPF 25 foundation so it wouldn’t be too caky and I got worried I would burn and got upset again.
Wrathful?
I guess yeah if that means I was really really pissed because I was.
I am.
But yeah all of a sudden after that everyone was just Irish goodbye-ing. Dani and her parents were nowhere. Steve and his weird vibe circle of caterers were gone. And I was going around and around looking for that rogue trumpet player so I could hopefully scream at him and maybe feel better that no one cared that the wedding was a total disaster with Dani showing off and too many fish and everyone leaving and one of my grandfathers screaming about how he could apparently see all of a sudden for the first time in eighteen years.
Can I have my potatoes now?
Oh sure.
I’ll try one.
I’ll try anything I’m sooo hungry
Let me just lift up my veil— ohp. You’ve got it.
Stick out my tongue?
Hot.
Hmm. It’s kind of… crunchy? Dry? What is it?
Unleavened?
Needs garlic butter.
But yeah anyway that’s why I ran into the bathroom and just started crying. By the time I came back basically no one was left. Except they definitely left all their shit behind for me to clean up like their watches and jewelry and glasses and coats and dresses and gold teeth fillings.
Except there was You.
You were the only one here.
The One who’s always been here.
Just You and a few leftover caterers who look really sad right now and keep sort of lying on the ground at Your feet for some reason.
Guess You just have that effect on people.
Okay nowww I get to drink the wine?
And You want me to what?!
Kneel?
You’re funny. You’re really, really funny.
Your place or mine.
Yours.
Questions, suggestions, evangelical lost and found?
Hit me up at: writerinprogress@substack.com
You should have sold this to the Onion!